microthrills's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open. I had a great Memorial Day Weekend. I got to spend a lot of time with Roomie and our girlfriends. T went to CT for the weekend for a wedding so I had some thinktime by myself and I got to sort out some mental stuff. Yesterday I woke up feeling like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. A weight that descended around February and I just couldn�t shake. Every year, around February I go through an emotionally low time but it usually fades within a couple of weeks and I feel like my normal self. This year, it took months for the feeling to leave and I have noticed how it affected my friends, and family, and relationship with T. I feel so refreshed. I have not seen my therapist since before I moved but she has agreed to do some phone sessions with me and I got a chance to talk to her about what has been going on the past couple of months and why she thought it took so long for those sad feelings to go away. She feels that I�ve been afraid to really enjoy my successes lately and I hang on to those low feelings so that I won�t be disappointed by things because when I�m already feeling crappy, my expectations won�t have that far to sink. I have an amazing boyfriend who challenges me and makes me feel like a total sex goddess. I have a great new job that lets me be creative and help people. I moved into a sweet apartment with one of my best friends. My therapist says that people who have gone through a traumatic experience fear that they don�t deserve good things that happen to them and will sometimes try to self sabotage because that is easier than losing things by chance. At least the self sabotage gives me some element of control. Does this sound like complete bs to you guys? It makes a lot of sense to me. There are times I fear being happy because I�m afraid that once I really start to enjoy myself, it will all be taken away. It�s honestly a shit way to live. How I feel on the inside affects how I look on the outside a lot. Recently T complained that he wasn�t able to get a read on my emotions. Of course, I was making it impossible by burying them so deep that I didn�t have to deal with them. Last night, I felt great and I think it really showed. I felt glow-y and very at ease when I met T at his apartment and I know he noticed right away. I know he wants a woman that�s carefree, untouchable; it�s a huge turn on for him and he ended up cumming on my face before we even left to get a drink at the bar. This morning I woke up without that feeling of malaise and spent a few minutes in bed taking some deep breathes. No heavy feeling. Half naked boyfriend in bed with me. Lucky, lucky girl. 10:44 a.m. - 2010-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||