microthrills's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hug it out. T left a t-shirt here last weekend and I put it on when I was touching myself, taking slow, shaky breathes in and picturing his tongue licking up all the pussy juice off of my fingers, licking it off the sheets, and burying his tongue inside of me. I love the image of his face in my crotch. We had a brief, but intimate conversation before we each went out separately last night. We are taking a break this weekend. Growth, self-reflection, and some distance is key to keep our relationship fresh and exciting. While at work today, we had a fun sexy conversation over IM. We like to role play and it turns the both of us on to pretend to withhold and let the other one convince us why we should give in. I left my office with my panties damp. Last night, while at my friend's apartment, I notice a message from T on my phone. He is talking about renting a hotel room, and having a line of guys pay him to let me suck their dicks. During the exchange, he said something that stung a little and I couldn't let it go without telling him. This is what we are supposed to be doing. We want an open relationship, not just in status but also, open with our feelings towards each other. I am so happy I told him what bothered me because it led to us talking about some things lately that have left me feeling disconnected. (some of the conversation has been edited and referrals to specific people have been omitted for the general reader's clarity). T: something is wrong w my bbm. did you respond to my bbm from 2 mins ago? Me: yes. i said that sometimes it is hard for me to know when we are playing and when we arent. i dont know any hotels around the city but im sure with a little research, it wont be hard to find a few. T: cool. you want me to be more rough, right? i want this week apart to fuel the fire. I want you to know that I love and care for you, but I'm going to say and do really mean things in hopes that you will see I can be the asshole you desire. anything you want in bed i will do for you. Me: there is a big difference between being an asshole and being what i want. Me: ive never sucked a guys dick for money and it just stung a little when it's implied that i have. I explain to him that I am sensitive to what he thinks about me, in real life, when we shed these roles and face each other as people and not playthings. T: i want to be closer, just sometimes i feel like we're still not being honest. You want me to accept you for who you are, and I want to know more about you. remember we're not exclusive, so anything you do in your time is you. but if you want me to be there for you, I'd like to hear more. Of course, I want to be closer with him. My heart is his. I also know that we are no longer exclusive, I am mindful of that every night I go to bed alone. Me: im-ing is not a good venue for these discussions. i know that we are not exclusive. i understand we are both free to do what we want, im just not doing anything with anyone else. when i feel ready to, i will, and then i will tell you about it. T: ok. we talk about opening up. i want to be more comfortable being open. If you were even just talking to other guys I'd like to hear about it, it would help me get used to sharing. Me: i cant force closeness with you. i am a lot more comfortable talking to you about a lot and i do talk to you about a lot but sometimes i dont tell you things because im not sure of what the reaction is going to be. i do tell you about the dates i go on, if you want more details, ill be happy to tell you about them. or if you want even the little details about guys that i talk to, thats fine. i will tell you. T: ok. if I promise to keep an open mind, I think we would benefit from these kinds of open talks. I think I've earned that: you know I am open to things and I can't get mad cause we're not exclusive anymore. He has earned it and deserves it. I am so terrified of having my heart broken again, that sometimes I feel that closing myself off is the only way to protect myself. I also explain to him that sometimes, the support that I need will be from people that will not be him. One day, I truly believe we will have achieved that level of openness and transparency we both want but it will take time, years. I am looking forward to putting in that time with him. We continue to talk about specific examples and I hear my friend calling me from the other room, she is ready to leave and go out. There is so much more to talk about though. T: i can't wait to talk face2face with you. if we dont get together this week, let's schedule a day during vaca to spend talking about things like we used to do, and then fuck the emotion away. 8:44 a.m. - 2009-11-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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