microthrills's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lover you don't have to love. I would like to introduce you all to my friend HZ. Platonic male friend, possesses a good moral compass, excellent giver of advice and sharp conversationalist. He's been a great friend, commiserater, motivator, and all around stand up guy. HZ has had a rough year relationship-wise. He broke up with the girl he has been dating for the past few months because the relationship lacked a spark. At least, that is what he has been telling me, and what he genuinely thought until he saw the girl for a �lets get some closure� dinner. He realized that he is not over what his previous ex-girlfriend did to him. It was a trainwreck of a relationship with a lot of verbal abuse (coming from her, as reported by HZ) and little physical intimacy. When he was with her, I saw a shell of my formerly vibrant friend. This morning we were talking about his closure dinner with the girl and what he realized while he was talking to her. That maybe he was making excuses not to commit to her because of all his baggage from his ex-girlfriend. �She�s a nice girl but she doesn�t deserve only half my attention, affection, and time. Oh, and sorry if this is TMI, but the sex was not good. Even after many go-rounds� I offer the only advice about sex that I am certain about. That it should feel good, you should enjoy the hell out of it, it should be fun, and connect you in some way to another person, even if only for the time that you are doin� it. If that connection can last when your clothes are on, even better. I really feel that your sex life is a great indicator of the relationship you are in. (Of course, random hookups do not apply to this). Sex requires some amount of work, just like relationships do. People in long-term relationships who do not fuck each other should really examine why that is. Why wouldn�t you want to be intimate with someone you should be comfortable with. That should make the sex even better, more intimate, more creative because the freak is out of the bag. (Right, T?) I am not saying that I don�t understand that the physical excitement of being with one person can fade after a while but that should be something fun you can work on in your relationship as opposed to other issues that can crop up. Sometimes, the actual ebb and flow of the relationship can be just as exciting. Those butterflies have the opportunity to come back, the spark is re-lit and you can re-discover why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. HZ talks about how much he enjoyed having sex with his ex-girlfriend even though the rest of the relationship was crap. I remind him that not all people are sexually compatible and also, that sex cannot be a reason to stay in a bad relationship either. He is feeling down and out about his disappointment with how things worked out with the new girl. He was hopeful she would be the one to lift him out of his relationship funk. He is also disappointed with his own non-progress about getting over his ex-girlfriend. There is no timeline when it comes to healing. Sometimes, being intimate with a new person can help those wounds heal faster, but never guaranteed. I hope my friend can feel better about what happened and can look upon it as a life lesson, not a personal failure. 3:02 p.m. - 2009-12-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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