microthrills's Diaryland Diary

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And your city faded off to brown.

This morning I talked to Candy again. She is (almost) positive she will be keeping the baby this time.

"I am done with the "going out" lifestyle. I don't want to do it anymore, it's time for some life changes�anyway".

Who is this girl? That is not the voice of my best friend who only months ago begged me to go to Miami with her so that we can meet random European tourists and tease their dicks on a dance floor and make them sweat from the Florida heat and grinding against New York City girls in miniskirts.

This is not the voice of someone who declared the maternal life was "stifling". As we were talking, she spoke more of what she would be giving up than getting.

I am not saying that she is not allowed to change ever, but I know the difference between complacency and purposeful changes. I have a feeling it is not the latter.

Tomorrow she will make her decision. I hope she chooses what feels right to HER, not what she feels she has to do.

For so long, I felt I was living for other people. I did things that made other people happy even if it meant not doing what I wanted to do. I curbed my social life, and sex life, and fantasies, and suppressed a lot of desires. I still find myself doing this, but not anywhere as often as I used to.

Sometimes, when T and I are acting out a particularly dirty fantasy I catch myself thinking that I would have never let myself do this with�so and so. There is no way I will be someone who makes me feel like I have to restrain myself again. It's like taking 500 steps backward after taking so many forward, towards what I really want. No Inhibitions. and I want Acceptance. And Encouragement.

11:37 p.m. - 2010-01-13

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