microthrills's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling bad but feeling better. The BF, hereinafter T, and I are no longer together. It is unfortunate and painful but the details are not for this diary's pages. I picked the name Microthrills from the title of a book I read last year. The author compiled stories of tiny, weird things that made her happy. Sniffing scented markers as hard as she could. Squeezing the goo out of those stress balls. Her BF. I wanted to do the same so I wrote about select encounters with T that I enjoyed tremendously. MACROthrills. I plan to write more in this space, the content will just differ. What thrills me. What makes me tick. It has been a busy week, I am filling my time with distractions and people and work. I think the weekends are the hardest though. Last night while trying to fall asleep I thought about the goals I wanted to acheive this year. I went through a similar reevaluation when a previous relationship ended and I think I came out a better, smarter, happier woman because of it. I repaired friendships and changed job, I earned a promotion, I run my own department, I strengthened my social circle, I forced myself to speak to strangers, I excercised. I have let some things fall to the wayside again; I became comfortable but I find if I challenge myself it begins to ease the pain I'm feeling and is a huge self esteem booster. I have some new goals, and some old goals that need revisiting. The first is to resist the urge to start smoking again. I quit the end of last summer but there have been a handful of times where I let myself have one when I felt especially stressed or apprehensive about something. When I was actively smoking, I would most often reach for a cigarette when I was bored. Bored at work or with conversation or I needed a distraction. That, and I enjoy the act of smoking. I enjoy feeling that smoke curl into my lungs and exhaling. I need to sync up my mind and body. I hate the way cigarette smoke lingers in my hair and on my fingertips. Most times, especially if I haven't been drinking, I don't even like the taste. I need to tape these points up in my mind the next time I want to ask someone for a smoke. And drinking. It must be cut down. There have been times where I can't remember huge portions of the night and this has been happening more and more frequently. I have to become more aware of my limits. I think these first two steps will influence other factors in my life. I will feel better. I will look better. I think those two come hand in hand. This week, I took special care to wear a dress and heels to work every day. An internal esteem booster. I know that I am a strong person, I just need to remind myself sometimes. 11:48 a.m. - 2009-07-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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